Food 9: the joy of eggs

Let's have breakfast

‘There was something sort of bleak about her tone, rather as if she had swallowed an east wind. This I took to be due to the fact that she probably hadn't breakfasted.’

PG Wodehouse, from The Unwanted Guest

It’s Mothers’ Day in the UK. You might want to make a nice breakfast, even - or especially - if today engenders melancholy feelings. Breakfasts are cheering. Sunday breakfasts, in particular, can set the mood for the rest of the day. Eggs, is what I say to you.

Les œufs by Antoine Vollon (1833-1900)

Eggs are wondrous (I even love the way ‘egg’ looks written down, contained and cosy but also super jaunty). We’re staying basic because basic is good and because I am against spending ages cooking elaborate breakfasts on a Sunday morning. I want simple and good, and simple and good is easy with eggs.

When I was writing a version of these pieces for The Sunday Times, I once asked the food editor if something was ‘too basic’. He said, ‘it is impossible to be too basic when it comes to cookery. Readers love basic.’ I do too, as evidenced by the fact that many of the recipes I save are a form of fantasy. It gives me enormous pleasure to read them and imagine myself making them, but in truth I rarely do.

In real life I spend 95% of my cooking time making very simple things - delicious, but simple. Everybody is tired in one way or another. If you can make simple things well and still eat like a king, why on earth wouldn’t you?

With all this in mind, I am now going to tell you how to boil an egg!

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Perfect boiled eggs: Somebody was saying recently that there are few situations that a hot bath followed by boiled eggs and soldiers can’t improve. As usual I can’t remember who it was, but they spoke God’s truth.

Princess Margaret by Snowdon. Eggs just out of shot, probably

Eggs into boiling water in a snug pan - so they don’t have empty space to race around in and bash themselves and crack - for exactly 4 minutes, 3 if you like your whites gloopy 😬. This is using room temperature eggs, so either take them out of the fridge half an hour before you need them or add on 30-45 seconds depending on size.

Eggcups at the ready and then slice off the tops immediately to avoid disappointment due to the eggs carrying on cooking in their own heat. Quick! Don’t mess about daintily peeling the shell off the top. There is no time. Slice like a ninja, cut like a razorblade (30-odd years and I still remember all the words).

These instructions are for large eggs and will give you a voluptuous yolk and set whites. Pepper optional, salt essential. Have the soldiers ready and lavishly buttered. I like mine toasted, with Gentleman’s Relish or Marmite, or sometimes a sprinkling of grated parmesan. Asparagus spears are nice too, but it’s too early.

If you overcook the eggs, don’t waste your time crossly forcing soldiers into hard yolks thinking ‘I can’t even boil an egg’ and feeling bad. Instead quickly peel the eggs while they’re still hot, mash them with a fork with some butter and seasoning and have them on the toasted soldiers. Or if they’re too dry, moisten them with shop mayonnaise into which you’ve stirred some sriracha, or some kimchi juice, or a tiny bit of red wine vinegar, or of any kind of brine. They’ll be delicious and all will be well.

Jammy eggs: If you are after a perfect jammy egg, like just below hard-boiled - set whites, nearly-but-not-quite-set yolks, as in this picture:

Ted Kavanagh for Bon Appétit

… then same deal, into boiling water, snug pan, and exactly 7 minutes (large eggs). Then immediately tip out the water and stick them in their pan under the cold tap for a few minutes so they stop cooking. Or you could put them in an ice bath but I never have piles of ice sitting about, does anyone?

Jammy eggs are the best eggs because they make so many dishes better. At breakfast I like them roughly chopped on toast with olive oil and chilli flakes (maybe atop some quickly-wilted or leftover greens, maybe with some crumbled feta), but they are also fantastic at tarting things up.

Ramen? Jammy egg. Leftovers? Jammy egg. Robust salads, e.g. Niçoise, or this very spring-y one? Jammy egg. Grain bowl? Jammy egg. Miso soup? Jammy egg. Snack? Jammy egg and za’atar. Plain rice? 1) Butter, soy sauce, jammy egg and crispy chilli oil (this very special one is insane on noddles, with or without egg). Or, 2) more virtuously, togarashi seasoning, a bit of rice vinegar, snipped chives and jammy eggs, with a side of Japanese pickles.

And so on and on and on. Jammy eggs are kitchen heroes. You can also turn them into soy eggs, which are very umami and moreish.

Scrambled eggs: the trick is very low heat. You can’t hurry love, or scrambled eggs. I also think they’re best cooked in a wide, flat pan rather than something narrower with tall sides, so that every egg gets the same amount of heat and therefore cooks at the same pace.

Generous knob of butter, melted, then in with eggs lightly beaten with a fork - over-beaten eggs don’t have the right texture. You could add a small splash of cream of full-fat milk (I do), but it’s not compulsory. Wooden spoon, gentle and patient stirring until curds are formed. Take them off the heat when they still look a little a bit too wet, because they will carry on cooking off the heat and this dangerous period is when they can tip from perfect into rubbery. Obviously have the toast buttered and ready for the same reason. Scrambled eggs can’t wait.

The Mound of Butter, also by Antoine Vollon.

Masala scrambled eggs: My Sunday breakfast of choice, with frozen parathas or any kind of warmed flatbread to scoop (that recipe could not be easier - it’s literally just equal quantities of flour and yogurt), or sometimes inside a brioche roll.

Melt a knob of ghee, or butter and a dash of oil to stop the butter from burning. Add two or three sliced spring onions and a small knob of grated ginger, then a pinch of turmeric, a bigger pinch of ground cumin, a chopped tomato if you have one (tinned is fine too), and either chopped green chilli or a pinch of red chilli flakes. Stir all this on a medium heat until the spring onion is golden, a matter of minutes. Add the spices and let them cook for about 2 minutes more.

Turn the heat down to low and add your eggs. Stir until they make curds, as above. Sometimes I don’t cook the green chilli but have it sliced on top; sometimes I top the eggs with coriander; sometimes I chop up the coriander stalks and add them to the pan at the same time as the spring onions. If I don’t have spring onion I use shallots or finely chopped normal or red onion. Here’s a variant with proper quantities.

You could make masala chai to go with it. (I love Chetna’s recipes. Also, look at her spice drawers!). If you’re after a ready-made chai mix, Dishoom’s is the best one I know.

Omelettes: Here you can whisk the eggs more vigorously with a tiny splash of cream. Oil in the pan, knob of butter when the oil is hot - it needs to be hot enough for the eggs to respond when you pour them in (i.e. they mustn’t slide in and then sit there looking raw and uncertain for ages). Shake the pan to distribute the eggs and stir them with a fork. This is much easier to explain visually than on paper, so here’s a vid. It’s in French but it doesn’t matter - you just need to copy what he’s doing from 1.24 onwards. I’ve never joggled an omelette onto the plate like he does at the end, but the method he’s demonstrating is perfect and once you’ve got it you’ll be so pleased with yourself.

If your omelette won’t omelette, no problem. Break it up and call it scrambled eggs.

Baked eggs: I made these the other day for the first time in years because I think of them as being too much effort for the morning. But they’re really not. Oven at 200C. Get a roasting tin and half fill it with water. Get four (or however many) little ceramic ramekins, like the ones supermarket chocolate mousses come in, and put a tablespoon of creme fraiche in each one. Put them in the roasting tin, put the tin in the oven, give it two seconds while the creme fraiche melts, and crack in an egg per ramekin. Salt and pepper, then anywhere between 5 and 8 minutes depending on egg size and you’re done. That’s the bare bones version - you can add anything you like to them, like herbs, cheese, bits of ham or all three.

The Eggs by Cedric Morris, 1944. The painting was bought by Elizabeth David in 1953 and was the cover of the original edition of An Omelette and a Glass of Wine, a collection of her essays, in 1984.

Poached eggs: Delia’s method, always and forever. So easy! No vortex, no vinegar, no guesswork. You just crack them in and then sit there gazing into space for a bit. Please also note this recipe for instant ramen (from a packet) with a self-poaching egg.

Fried eggs: I can't bear a limp, anaemic fried egg, which is why I sometimes have difficulty with a full English. I like fried eggs when the whites puff up and develop frilly, crunchy brown edges. All this needs is a properly hot pan with properly hot fat, and for you to step back when you crack the egg in because it will spit.

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PS - if you’re helping kids make breakfast in bed this morning, remember that the most mediocre supermarket croissant can be made nice to eat if you a) heat it up and b) provide superior jam. Or you could make pancakes. The easiest pancakes are fat pancakes. Here’s the recipe yet again - 1 mug of self-raising flour, 1 mug of milk, 1 egg, whisked together and dolloped with a big spoon into a hot frying pan in which you’ve heated a knob of butter and a teaspoon of neutral-tasting oil, like groundnut or sunflower, on a medium heat. Wait until the underside is golden and flecked with brown, then turn it over until the same thing happens (moments).

I like these with crispy smoked streaky and maple syrup but they’re also nice with stewed fruit and creme fraiche. No stewed fruit? Go to the shop, buy a pack of mixed frozen berries and do this - it takes 10 minutes.

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This is one of my fortnightly food posts, therefore free to read. For everything else including community chat and access to the grandly-named but now quite sizeable ‘archive', you’ll need a paid subscription. Either way, thank you for reading and have a lovely Sunday!

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