Oh i enjoyed that. Love the white clothes. And the fabulous rooms. Loads to read. Thanks. Gardening this week end. Like your hen. I would call one hen hen ( in a scottish accent).
At a family wedding I was sat on the couch in my lovely silk wrap around skirt. I leapt up to get some drinks not realising my brother in law was sat on one end of the tie string. My skirt dropped to the floor revealing my bum with a pair of greying knickers tucked into the crack on one side.
I was drunk enough to laugh but my poor nine year old niece nearly expired from the shame of it.
The prom article is lovely. My youngest just left school and I found the effort that the teachers put in to making the leavers ceremony and prom special for them all incredibly moving.
Not sure if this counts as a calamitous tale but here goes…
It had been a very hectic day and I headed straight to Birmingham Airport after taking down our stand on the last day of a trade show on my way to a much needed family holiday.
Everything was going swimmingly until I reached security. I plonked my handbag into a tray and watched it disappear into the scanner. There it stayed for far too long. When it finally emerged, I was summoned to the counter by a rather stern-looking security officer.
"Empty your bag please, Madam."
The rather pointed "Madam" worried me a bit.
Out came the make-up bag, tissues, purse, glasses, first Stanley knife, second Stanley knife... and then a large Leatherman multi-tool with a five-inch blade. As more knives were brandished the number of security officers increased.
There was a noticeable raising of eyebrows.
"Can you explain this, Madam?"
I realised immediately what had happened. My husband Paul, who wasn't even travelling with us, must have decided it was a good idea to stash his tools in my handbag.
With good reason, I announced rather loudly:
"My husband! I’ll bloody kill him!"
Consternation immediately ensued on the other side of the counter. I was told to step to one side to wait for the police.
After far too long a wait with a plane to catch the two tallest policemen I'd ever seen appeared, both cradling automatic weapons. Not seeing me at all (I'm only five foot tall, and was in my late sixties at the time) one shouted over the top of my head:
"Where's the triple blade and threat to kill?"
The security officer pointed.
The giant policeman looked down and, fortunately, instead of shooting me, burst out laughing.
We lost all the knives, and that was that.
Epilogue
A few days later, on a beach in Spain, my son put his hand into my handbag and promptly cut himself. (Don't worry, he's in his forties.) Security had confiscated the Leatherman and two Stanley knives... but somehow missed the third Stanley knife.
Stripy hen looks so happy up in her tree! I am vaguely always on the lookout for an interesting table runner, and I now fear that my sister is soon going to need a spare room just for the parcels I keep getting sent to hers for when she comes here in August...
Great read - as always- and I too succumbed to the thin Cos trousers, last weekend the gold birkies- my bank manager will be cursing!
I wanted to ask re wild flower seed. The council have mowed a bank I was lovingly nurturing : ox eye daisies, wallflowers, valerian, etc. scorched earth now. It’s about 5m x 10m - how many bags of 100gm?
We were going on holiday & I had ordered some clothes for the kids from Boden. Some of them didn't fit so needed to be sent back. I didn't have any sellotape but no problem I'll buy some in the post office and close up the parcel on the counter. The boys needed their hair cut so I took them with me to send the parcel then we popped into the barbers beside the post office.
When we get home - horror - my phone isn't in my handbag !!! I knew the people in the barbers were dodgy ! Someone must've stolen it from my bag....Or maybe I dropped it on the pavement? I spend two hours retracing my steps...I report it stolen to the police.
When I get back from hols there is a package waiting for me from Boden. How lovely I think - must be a marketing gift. I open the package and it's my phone. I had sent it to Boden with the returns. What an idiot.
Oh my! So much to love this week but I'm a little weary post watching Cape Verde's memorable and valiant performance against Argentina - the joy of tournament football right there. Was so happy to watch again the England team celebrating with the fans, had me bubbling up... and then the dog lovers weep! Thank you for introducing me to the work of Suzanne Cooper - LOVE it. Too much more to mention and I too have many gardening tasks to tackle so will return to the in brief section later. In the meantime will be aiming to be more Christina Patterson, making life a bit more lovely, as you do every week. Thank you.
Scene 1. 1978, a hospital in Belfast. 1st year student nurse working her 3rd week in Male Medical Ward.
Act 1, Scene 1. First week, it’s bedpan duty. Collect used bedpan; empty contents down the sluice-room sink; wash them, dry them and stack. Job done!
Act 1, Scene 2. Second week, it’s sputum mug duty. Collect all 14 patients sputum mugs each morning (yes that’s right, I said sputum!!) in a basin; empty the sputum down the sluice-room sink (apologies if this is making you queasy!); wash them, dry them and leave them back on each patient’s bedside table. Job done!
Act 1, Scene 3. Third week it’s false denture duty which I’m told is ‘..just the same as sputum mug procedure.’ I collect all 13 (one patient still had his own teeth, rare in 1977) pairs in a basin; wash them, dry them and…Calamity bites hard as I peer down at 26 nashers all gleaming in the basin!
Act 1, Scene 4. Frantic attempt to match teeth to patient before ward round in 5 minutes. Job done!
Final scene. Visiting time. Wife of patient approaches, leans forward & whispers in my ear ‘Jimmy says his new teeth fit much better than his old pair!’
Oh i enjoyed that. Love the white clothes. And the fabulous rooms. Loads to read. Thanks. Gardening this week end. Like your hen. I would call one hen hen ( in a scottish accent).
I have pants anecdote too.
At a family wedding I was sat on the couch in my lovely silk wrap around skirt. I leapt up to get some drinks not realising my brother in law was sat on one end of the tie string. My skirt dropped to the floor revealing my bum with a pair of greying knickers tucked into the crack on one side.
I was drunk enough to laugh but my poor nine year old niece nearly expired from the shame of it.
I too was very keen on Stripy Hen. If you should ever feel like enumerating the rest of the Hen family, that would be delightful.
The prom article is lovely. My youngest just left school and I found the effort that the teachers put in to making the leavers ceremony and prom special for them all incredibly moving.
Thanks so much India for recommending Good People. I listened on Audible-so good!
Not sure if this counts as a calamitous tale but here goes…
It had been a very hectic day and I headed straight to Birmingham Airport after taking down our stand on the last day of a trade show on my way to a much needed family holiday.
Everything was going swimmingly until I reached security. I plonked my handbag into a tray and watched it disappear into the scanner. There it stayed for far too long. When it finally emerged, I was summoned to the counter by a rather stern-looking security officer.
"Empty your bag please, Madam."
The rather pointed "Madam" worried me a bit.
Out came the make-up bag, tissues, purse, glasses, first Stanley knife, second Stanley knife... and then a large Leatherman multi-tool with a five-inch blade. As more knives were brandished the number of security officers increased.
There was a noticeable raising of eyebrows.
"Can you explain this, Madam?"
I realised immediately what had happened. My husband Paul, who wasn't even travelling with us, must have decided it was a good idea to stash his tools in my handbag.
With good reason, I announced rather loudly:
"My husband! I’ll bloody kill him!"
Consternation immediately ensued on the other side of the counter. I was told to step to one side to wait for the police.
After far too long a wait with a plane to catch the two tallest policemen I'd ever seen appeared, both cradling automatic weapons. Not seeing me at all (I'm only five foot tall, and was in my late sixties at the time) one shouted over the top of my head:
"Where's the triple blade and threat to kill?"
The security officer pointed.
The giant policeman looked down and, fortunately, instead of shooting me, burst out laughing.
We lost all the knives, and that was that.
Epilogue
A few days later, on a beach in Spain, my son put his hand into my handbag and promptly cut himself. (Don't worry, he's in his forties.) Security had confiscated the Leatherman and two Stanley knives... but somehow missed the third Stanley knife.
Paul still isn't forgiven.
Misty-eyed over the dog, and touched you linked to my post in this week’s roundup - thank you so much. Wishing you a lovely weekend, Florence x
Pearls were clutched! 😂😂😂
Stripy hen looks so happy up in her tree! I am vaguely always on the lookout for an interesting table runner, and I now fear that my sister is soon going to need a spare room just for the parcels I keep getting sent to hers for when she comes here in August...
The Calamity Club! I finished it yesterday and I'm bereft. I actually miss the characters, which may make me sound a bit tragic but it's true.
Very good GN episode, made me laugh out loud!
Great read - as always- and I too succumbed to the thin Cos trousers, last weekend the gold birkies- my bank manager will be cursing!
I wanted to ask re wild flower seed. The council have mowed a bank I was lovingly nurturing : ox eye daisies, wallflowers, valerian, etc. scorched earth now. It’s about 5m x 10m - how many bags of 100gm?
I’m trying to find SOMEONE to berate. Not easy.
Oh and stripey hen 🩵 do yours get mites (just writing it makes me itchy!)
Listening to The Calamity Club is getting me through this canicule. Feels appropriate.
Also one of my favourite Graham Norton clips!! 🤣
Phone Calamity.
We were going on holiday & I had ordered some clothes for the kids from Boden. Some of them didn't fit so needed to be sent back. I didn't have any sellotape but no problem I'll buy some in the post office and close up the parcel on the counter. The boys needed their hair cut so I took them with me to send the parcel then we popped into the barbers beside the post office.
When we get home - horror - my phone isn't in my handbag !!! I knew the people in the barbers were dodgy ! Someone must've stolen it from my bag....Or maybe I dropped it on the pavement? I spend two hours retracing my steps...I report it stolen to the police.
When I get back from hols there is a package waiting for me from Boden. How lovely I think - must be a marketing gift. I open the package and it's my phone. I had sent it to Boden with the returns. What an idiot.
Oh my! So much to love this week but I'm a little weary post watching Cape Verde's memorable and valiant performance against Argentina - the joy of tournament football right there. Was so happy to watch again the England team celebrating with the fans, had me bubbling up... and then the dog lovers weep! Thank you for introducing me to the work of Suzanne Cooper - LOVE it. Too much more to mention and I too have many gardening tasks to tackle so will return to the in brief section later. In the meantime will be aiming to be more Christina Patterson, making life a bit more lovely, as you do every week. Thank you.
Nurse Calamity
Scene 1. 1978, a hospital in Belfast. 1st year student nurse working her 3rd week in Male Medical Ward.
Act 1, Scene 1. First week, it’s bedpan duty. Collect used bedpan; empty contents down the sluice-room sink; wash them, dry them and stack. Job done!
Act 1, Scene 2. Second week, it’s sputum mug duty. Collect all 14 patients sputum mugs each morning (yes that’s right, I said sputum!!) in a basin; empty the sputum down the sluice-room sink (apologies if this is making you queasy!); wash them, dry them and leave them back on each patient’s bedside table. Job done!
Act 1, Scene 3. Third week it’s false denture duty which I’m told is ‘..just the same as sputum mug procedure.’ I collect all 13 (one patient still had his own teeth, rare in 1977) pairs in a basin; wash them, dry them and…Calamity bites hard as I peer down at 26 nashers all gleaming in the basin!
Act 1, Scene 4. Frantic attempt to match teeth to patient before ward round in 5 minutes. Job done!
Final scene. Visiting time. Wife of patient approaches, leans forward & whispers in my ear ‘Jimmy says his new teeth fit much better than his old pair!’